Trust

Firstly lets get the brain matter out, then we’ll go into sexy time specifics afterwards.

My physical and emotional self are doing backflips at the moment. Extra curricular activities are leaving me exhausted and distracted from self. Not a great place to be.

I had a visit from an X lover, it had been 10 months or more since I had last seen him, it hadn’t ended badly or anything, decision was made. It was ok. He was not well. Things weren’t to be. My visitor turned up on my door step in the early hrs of the morning, drunken and seemingly not well. A and myself were asleep, awoken by knocking at my bedroom window and front door. An odd situation. A possibly feeling strange about men he does not know turning up on my doorstep, me feeling weird-ed out with a mixture of sadness and worry. Strange situation. I do hope he is ok. I think not though and there is nothing I can do.

And sexy times? Well there have been plenty of them. Me and A have a pretty damn healthy sex life, we do it, a lot. And it’s good. Sunday was pretty much a write off for anything other than sex. There has been a lot of talk lately coming from A, regarding fantasy. He’s really pushing me with this, not in a bad way either.

He tried penetrating himself last week, I had suggested maybe he wanted to try it by himself first before we go and buy him a sex toy or play together, he told me about it which was awesome. He asked if I’d wear my skates while we fucked on Sunday, I did. He was very bossy on the weekend. He wants to dominate me, we switch back and forwards, but I’m sure each of us feels that we have the upper hand. Domination isn’t about physical strength.

A also told me that a girl had kissed him, early – when we had started dating and that he had stopped it. It could’ve have been a hook-up, but wasn’t. It had been on his mind, seemingly a bit. I am fine about this, my response, “did you kiss back?” Meaning only, what was your decision? It happened and that’s fine but what were your intentions, did you have any? He was very apologetic. An odd one. It did bring up stuff for me, in honesty. But my stuff. Not about him. It brought up issues with trust. I have been on guard for so long now, and I need to bring that down a little and trust regardless of any possibilities of being hurt. I need to trust to be able to help me build trust.

Other things that are coming up for me? Jealousy, which I’m choosing to keep my distance from. That comes back to trust again.

Sometimes things are really scary, and it’s a little dark out there and you have to take a chance and step into it.

No point being afraid of what you can’t see, that’s an awful lot you’ll keep yourself from experiencing.