Fear. I’ve been thinking about this. Why do we fear? OR specifically, why do I fear? Intimacy, fear. Do we automatically just fear the things we crave? I find it to be inbuilt at the moment, or maybe it was always this way.
I want to talk to A about it, but I have fear. Riiiiight. I want to talk to A about being fearful, I think he probably already knows this, he’s not stupid, actually he is quite with it when it comes to assessing situations, he just doesn’t often say so, or he avoids saying so.
I am fighting things in my core, fighting the want to run away, to push away and run. i am questioning the whys? Like why the fuck wouldn’t I be ok here? I am having an awesome time. I am attracted. I am excited. I like spending time with him. The sex is great and getting greater. It’s intellectually stimulating. I am respected. So what the fuck is with my internal self doing when it gets all freaked out, flighty and goes into stupid meltdown mode. I don’t get it. This one is actually pretty damn awesome, he meets me well in the middle.
Stupid friggin’ brain. You do know you’re an asshole.
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