Love

Things that are hard to think about.

Don’t think. Unlikely.

Things that have been on my mind though? A lot.

Relationships scare me. A lot. Claire asked me how I felt the other week, “I’m not sure” was my response. She seems to think that you should just know these things. Maybe she does. But I don’t.

So the things?

Yes the things.

How do I feel? Lets ramble a little, nonsensical like. I like. Then I don’t. Then I do. Then I’m confused. Happy swings to unhappy and back again.

Don’t think so much he says.

But I do.

This week I feel repulsion towards ‘love’, towards intimacy. I do not want to be touched or to be close. It frustrates me. Last week was the opposite. Why?

Hormones. Maybe?

I find myself thinking about others lately, not like a wanting to be with others, that isn’t what I mean. Not at all. But others are on my mind. Comparisons to others. Others opinions. I have Tony arriving back in Melbourne shortly, a huge part of my past and of my growing. Paul too has come back. Trev is flying around in there too. There is love there that doesn’t just go away. I don’t want it in the slightest. Don’t mistake me and think that I am saying that I still LOVE Trev, because that’s not the love I’m talking about. I care. I miss having him in my life, I miss the part of him that got me so well, the part that connected.

And there it is. Connection. Intimacy and connection. Love.

Here are people that I have loved enormously. And by love I don’t refer to the Valentines Day type of Love. But people I have shared really emotional connections with, people that have moved me.

Love changes people.