Things that are, things that were

Things that are, things that were.

I have been going through a myriad of up sand downs, and quick frustrations, unnecessary frustrations at that.

Pasts come back to haunt me when entering new relationships. And that they are with full force. Msn from the X, asking me to come and visit.

After seeing my msn message: 2 day teaser in Byron then 2 weeks til Cambodia. And after NO CONTACT WHAT SO EVER since I last saw him and he was an asshole.

Him “how long are you in Byron for?”

Me “fri and sat”

Him “kewl, any chance I can see you” “sorry don’t mean chance I would like to see you”

Me “prob not. I’m away with a guy I’ve been seeing for a couple of months now, not sure what our plans are yet”

Long pause between messages.

Him “Well that doesn’t mean anything to me. I would like to see you, with him or not”

Me “I’ll message you if I have time, I don’t think we’ll have time though”

No response.

This frustrated me to no end. Same shit, same self-absorption. I was convenient because I was near to him. Minimal effort required. FUCK OFF.

A is right. I should block him on msn. Why have I not done this? Because I just can’t be that nasty.

I don’t hate you either, I just think your a cock-head most of the time.

So this put me in a fine mood for the weekend, that and little annoyances which I found hard to shake, it’s not him though, it’ s me with this one. It really is. As if my brain says, no no there has to be something wrong. Find it. Fuck this.

The whole ‘Love Thing’ scares the shit out of me. In a massive way. I hate those words, they don’t mean what I mean by them. I find it impossible to believe them. And I feel like a fraud using them. A looks at me with these eyes that scream love at me, really gentle and really emotional and I feel completely threatened by that.

Touchy feely-ness also not high on my comfort list. In privacy a little, when I want it, but I’m quick to be repulsed by it if I lack the control.

So there was sex on the weekend, but also awkwardness around this, an out of sync, me retreating, him advancing. Me retreating some more. Mid morning sex on Saturday, I didn’t get there, and in part I felt like I didn’t really want to get myself there. I felt a little empty afterward. He came hard.

I wanted to be fucked in the forest. I thought about it, walking behind him, it ran through my head. Then there were leeches and we both wanted to get the fuck out of there, quickly.

Sunday, no morning sex, by the time I was ready, he had gone to shower. Late afternoon play in the spa, I pushed myself with this one, it took me a while to get there, mentally. I wanted to, but was on edge. He gave me head on the sofa, I came, not strong, but nice, a different sort of orgasm to play with a vibrator, internal, getting there.

Again, later that afternoon, before we were going to leave, he stood in the room, looked at me, pulled off my shirt, pulled down my pants, led me to a bed in a spare room, we fucked. Quickly, roughly. He came hard, really hard. I did not. I picked myself up and ran to the shower, quickly washing myself. We both hurried out to meet the taxi bus to go home.