Brain Weirdness

I have brain weirdness and it’s interfering with my boy time. And my me time. Recurring flashes of abuse. Recurring withdrawal. Recurring is just the word for it. It’s put me on edge, made me recoil and made me reactionary. I’m really struggling to shake it this week.

I have a million questions running over and over in my brain. A million small things which are becoming unnecessary frustrations, things that would not ordinarily have me so wound up.

If I list them will it be like the analogy of the bottle overflowing, will it offer me relief from the day to day?

I am super sensitive right now. I am needy. And quickly angered by selfish acts. Acts I would usually find myself turned on by.

I need to get off. Actually I really crave for someone else to relieve that tension. I need to be present but without control in this situation.

I am frustrated that you get yourself off or I get you off and you do not do the same for me.

I am frustrated that I am expected to just use my toy.

I am frustrated that you won’t fuck me the way I want btu instead resort to what makes you feel good. You get selfish and do only what you want.

I am frustrated with myself for not feeling like I can talk about this with you right now. This is not your fault this is mine.

I am tired that sex means penetration. It does not.

I need to be softly touched with slow build ups sometimes. This is what I crave right now.

I want not wan tot be restrained at the moment.

I do not feel like restraining you.

Let me play with you at my own pace. Not yours.

Kiss me softly, meaningfully and playfully.

Oh god. What the fuck. Seriously. I am a barrage of wants and bossiness right now. There isn’t anything really wrong with anything that has been happening. Small frustrations, self related that are coming out in unusual wants. I really need to feel protected right now and I don’t feel like I can say that. Or want to say. Like hey, possibly, maybe I’m reacting this way because I’m having a possible, maybe freak out that could be related to past issues that seem to resurface in these relationship things, or really I might just be scared cause I like you, or maybe I don’t like you like I thought.

Same recurring bullshit freak out as always. Right when I hit a high. What triggers you? Where is the fucking trigger? It’s in there. Is it the roughness? The closeness? The vulnerability? Something makes me want to run and not say I love you to anyone in that way, because it just never means what I think it should.